If · love · is · the · drug...

is the place for my thoughts and feelings...


Im so sick at the moment. Sick of this town and all the dead heads in it. Its rediculous that actualy serving someone nice at work is a surprise. 90% of the people that walk in everyday are either rude or just idiots! I should be the other way round. Im nice to them and all they do is have their stevenage attitude back to me. Im also sick to death of thinking of the future and trying to be motivated. For about a week now ive tried to just sit down and play guitar, every single time bar one that i can remember recently its just  felt impossible to get any better, and because of that put me in a bad mood. I havn't applied to Uni because i dont even see myself as any good. I know what i want to do, i know where i want to be and im just in the same place over and over again. Musically, my lifestyle, my attitude.

It's time, for the first time in about 4 years to have proper guitar lessons again. I can't see any other option. I try doing things myself and i try things to be inspired and everyday i just feel like more of a typical stevenage no future dead end person. Im not even happy. Get up, go to work, think about playing guitar all day blah blah blah, get in and dont do any of it because im in a bad mood and cant stand to even hold a guitar. What is this? i dont even feel like myself.

Sometimes i feel like saying "fuck music, fuck the future" and just rotting away in stevenage for the rest of my life.

So many other people take the easy route in life.




Im going to go and swear over and over now!!! ARRRGGHH

...tomorrow!

im actualy looking forward to it! i've been really bored not working. i had a week off then i worked for four days and then had another four off. So its going to be hard to get back into it but i've learned to appreciate a hard days work. Which i never though i would do. Also it'll be nice to do something other than sitting around or skating when i dont even want to be skating.

So yes, tomorrow. anyone who wants to come and see me at work next week feel free. although im pretty sure your the only one who reads this Caroline! haha

maybe not, if anyone else reads it then come into HMV and make me smilleee.

TODAY i went to bowes onnnceee again. got bored and annoyed with it and came home. then went back there because my friends convinced me it was a good idea haha. i had more fun the second time to be fair.

Atleast the weather was nice. And looks like it's going to stay nice. Next week starts in 25 minutes and i can tell it's going to be good. I hope. Plus its a week closer to me getting my new guitar =)



woohoo laaa de daaaa


mwah mwah mwah! your too kind!  xxxxxxx

I dont really see easter as a day worth celebrating. I couldnt care less is jesus was reborn because frankly it doesnt bother me. however it was my mums birthday aswell... So that made the little trip to suffolk seem worthwhile.

anyway i went to the beach, actualy to 2 beaches. not to sunbathe just to have a look and then we went to this crazy house thats built realy high... www.houseintheclouds.com something like that. im not even going to test that link because im too tired haha.


being up there reminded me of last summer. because i went and stayed at my nans for about a week this time last year, annd the first three days back in stevenage after that we're some of the best days i had all last year. I wasnt sure if i liked being remminded or not. i think i settled on just not thinking about it.

after dinner i played guitar with my grandad which always reminds me of the good old days when i was alot younger. i think everyone needs reminding how much they've grown up now and then.


blah de blaaah d blaah xxxx

well... this is the sort of time i should be out... instead its the sort of time im going to write about being bored and annoyed that im still in on a friday night. i tried to fix a guitar of mine today, so i went and brought the bit i needed for it only to find its the wrong size. by about a millimeter if that, but it still wont do.

i spent all day trying to have fun skating which didnt really work at all. so tomorrow i've decided im not going skating. im going to play guitar and do music related things all day. and then go and get absolutly wasted at my mums birthday meal... and from there go out.

i hate when people say "oh im gonna get drunk" and all stuff like that. which is silly because i say it myself.


anyway. posting bulletins on myspace asking if anyone wants to come round is never a good idea. because no one ever replys to them, which makes it feel worse. i spent my morning listening to Bright Eyes and im spending my night listening to psychedelic things like Cream and Hendrix.

this post is random because i brought alcohol to go out but then didnt end up going out... so i've sat here drinking it.


and i've been thinking about going to uni. but i think the reason i havn't booked an audition yet is because, really... i have no faith in my guitar playing. Which i hate because i know im good. i know it but i dont want to be turned down because i've always seen it as the one thing ive ever really been good at. and the one thing ive been truly passionate about to the point where i want it to be my future and my whole life.

this is shit. no confidence.


end of post im bored of writing xxx

tonight put me in a strange mood. to say the least.

im looking forward to having my acoustic guitar back tomorrow. REALLY looking forward to it actually.

its late and i cant be bothered.

xxx

Neil Young and thinking about things...


Last summer and the one coming up. Made me realise the last time i had a girlfriend was last summer... and its slowly coming up to a year now, when it was. It sounds sad i suppose to have not met anyone for almost a year. But atleast i didnt meet anyone wrong for me... well atleast not in that sort of way. Makes me wonder if ive changed for the worse or not, because i used to find it so easy to meet people, to meet girls. And a year later... well im not unhappy but i havn't found anyone.

haha this is sounding like such a 'feel sorry for me' rant. but its not. its just what i felt like typing tonight. I like being with somone. Meeting them, kissing them hello, holding their hand. Looking forward to seeing them all day. Listening to music, going for walks, going out, staying in, watching films....


on another note i havn't even played guitar today. but i suppose if i dont feel like playing then its better not to. im still wondering about going to uni, to go or not.


hmm

rant over xxxx                                                                                                          

Current Location:	Bedroom
Current Mood:	weird
Current Music:	Neil Young - Live at massey hall 1971

Well... i didn't even know about this ten minutes ago. 
And now here i am listening to Anthony & the Johnsons writing this.


Anyway. Today was okay. I got up at about 7:00 and spent my usual hour and a half getting out of bed (i usually put my alam on snooze about 5 times before i get up).  I think i even went on myspace before i went to work which i should be ashamed of haha!

I ate a chocolate bar for breakfast for some reason and walked to work. wondering if i should just pay for a taxi there like i did on monday. Theres always the bus but it makes me late so i dont bother with that anymore. Spent all day finishing off things form yesterday and re-pricing C.Ds. Lunch was nice because i saw my friend Nick from school and we walked around for about half an hour having a good chat about everything that had been going on. 
                                                                                                                       I brought a chicken mayo bageutte and then went to tescos and brought some kinder HAPPY HIPPOS haha. I have a thing about those and kinda beunos... i think i ate 7 in a row once... And then brought some donuts on the way back to work which of corse i ate. After lunch Caroline came in, which was really nice because i hadn't seen her for so long.


I resisted buying a BOARDS OF CANADA C.D (somehow) which im probabaly going to buy tomorrow anyway, along with a BRIGHT EYES album that we just got in. But atleast i saved the money for one day longer. As tomorrow is the start of my little bank holiday weekend off i think i have to buy them. So im off from friday to tuesday.  Lovely.

I have a few plans. they're all nice. I dont really want to go to my nans for the day on sunday but i'll get to see them which is good and i can play guitar with my grandad which i miss so much since they moved to suffolk. So i suppose i do want to go. And it is only one day after all.


Anyway, after work i walked home past the skatepark and thought i wanted to skate so i went home and came straight out without even eating to go and skate, but i didnt enjoy it at all and came home. I havn't been enjoying it much recently. just as the weather's getting nice aswell.


THENNN... i got in, Caroline told me about this and i still havn't eaten because i've been writing for what seems like an hour.

I dont think i've missed anything important out.


love xxxx

Current Location:	My room
Current Mood:	contemplative
Current Music:	Anthony & the Johnsons